This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
