my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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