when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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