I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
this beer tastes like vomit already
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
