I heard we made out
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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