I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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