How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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