I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
