I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
