everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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