i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I love you. Go after that dick
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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