these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
