Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
