I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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