Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
