Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
