he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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