wrigley field is MILF paradise
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
