I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
