WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
