Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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