She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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