I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
