I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
