3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
