I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
