Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize