I like my sex mixed with concussions.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
