my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
