I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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