Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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