she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
