He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
