She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
