I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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