thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
My sheets look like a crime scene.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
