Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
