I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
