Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
