I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
