she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize