I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
should my penis look like a turkey
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
