This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize