Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
