Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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