First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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