Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
