My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm getting married
To pizza
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
