just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
