it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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