Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
