I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Randomize
