So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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