I'm lost and stupid without you.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
