Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
