Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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