Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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