Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
wow bdsm is so cute
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
