After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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