Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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