her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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