What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
