I'm so fucking centered right now
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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