so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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