Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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