why didn't you poke me back
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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