People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
